Monday, 9 June 2008


In an unprecedented move following a long ranging hush hush review which took in several hundred editions of The Archers stretching as far back as the period of Dixon of Dock Green the Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police has today announced the potential closure and re-classification of up to 60 London Police Stations as PUBLIC TOILETS. However Sir Ian has given assurances that no single Borough will be left without any Police Stations at all except those that willy nilly get left out "a la the Menezes Murder" because the Commissioner himself gets left out of the loop for no believably explicable reason.

Commissioner Blair readily acknowledged that as in the Menezes case police rightly came in for a great deal of shit and so this latest proposal is the Met’s heart felt way of meeting perceived public sensibilities more than half way. “A lot of my officers feel that this re-designation will go a long way to endear police to the public especially the elderly many of whom are virtually housebound because they are sorely under-catered for so far as public toilet provision is concerned”.

Many officers currently wastefully deployed in local back streets on “CENSUS” duties eventually hope to be re-deployed as “Neighbourhood Toilet Facilitators”. The Commissioner has given his word that none will be so deployed until having undergone full and rigorous training

The Commissioner has also used the occasion to point up the lesson he has drawn from the discovery only last Friday of an unexploded Second World War bomb in East London where there is a thriving Moslem Community. This astonishing discovery is now regarded as further reason why the period for holding suspects without charge should be extended to 42 days with the possibility of even further review and extension once the Police Stations into Public Toilets re-designation process gets under way. He was unable just now to offer a time frame for these eagerly awaited improvements. It is not known if Stockwell will benefit but KILROY is keeping his extended two fingers un-crossed.


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